Why Governor Sonko needs to go undercover at night in Nairobi

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City Governor Mike Mbuvi Sonko has been crawling incognito into Pumwani Maternity Hospital at weird hours of the night, never mind that he ensures that his undercover missions are always filmed by his own crew.

Those who scoff that the governor is an airhead prone to ego trips and shoving people around are stupid.

They don’t know what they are talking about. Sonko’s city stinks, and much as he has a good nose, that stench can’t waft all the way to his Mua Hills residence/office in Machakos.

If kutatangatanga at night with cameras is the only way the man can get a sense of the sleaze and madness in his city, so be it.

Actually, his undercover missions should extend from Pumwani to other sections of the city. First, the governor should take a walk along Moi Avenue at 6.30 am on a Monday. The filth will shock him into firing voters, er, sorry hawkers.

Hawkers come, block pavements, sell their wares, litter every spot and scram. If they could get away with shitting on the streets, they would. Sonko might want to zaba them makofiand teach them to clean up their mess.

Once that is sorted, the governor should dress up as a woman and take an late evening stroll around the Coop Bank Building on Haile Selassie Avenue.

He will meet glue-sniffing street boys and men who will drool at his fake behind while making lewd comments. On a good day, he will be groped, or robed, all two combined. On a bad day, he could get raped and murdered.

Another port of call for the City’s James Bond governor should be a leisurely stroll along Nairobi River. One look at the oily filth will send him bonkers.

Who knows, he might just fire all the officers responsible for ensuring Nairobians don’t dumb garbage and raw sewage into the river.

This undercover mission is best undertaken deep in the night when street families are dead asleep, too stoned to harm him.

Speaking of harm, the governor should pretend to be drunk and wander into dimly lit alleys and pubs. If he doesn’t fall into an open manhole, women will poison his drink and goons will try to rob him. But that shouldn’t be a big problem.

Our governor is a good street brawler. He can take care of himself. Plus he needn’t carry his own cash. This sort of operation is best undertaken using petty cash from the office, MCA style.

It would, however, be really exciting if the governor undertook a stealth mission as a law breaker. He can puff (whatever) in the wrong place, pee whenever, park wherever or hawk whatever.

Nine out of 10 times, his officers will shake him down for a bribe, or beat the crap out of him if he mentions the word “human rights” or “lawyer”.

Come to think of it, Bwana Governor should actually pretend to be a felon. He doesn’t even need to steal anything.

He could just dart out of an alley and have one of his Rescue Team boys scream, “Mwizi!”Unless a sudden downpour erupts, our governor will wake up in heaven.

And the people who will have stoned him to death will be saying, “Aliiba nini?” “Hata mimi sijui!”

This, Your Excellency, is your Nairobi.

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